throw blame

Yesterday I getting really confuse and upset with my maam. She coming in kitchen and look at everything and say Sally why you not clean this? Sally why that so dirty? She taking duster and clean AC thing and show me so dirty it is Sally you have to keep clean. She opening fridge and finding some vegetable is expire and she throw in garbage and say Sally why you not use this? 

Then she opening waffle toaster and seeing it dirty. There all dry up cheese and waffle thing on it. She really upset and saying Sally atleast keep food thing clean. this not good. I telling her maam I think you using toaster when I going on holiday on Friday. Maam then get so upset with me. She say Sally stop throwing blame on other person. 

Then she say Sally it better you think before you talk.If you making mistake it not good to blame other people. you always blame other person for your mistake. or you lying. I tell her no maam I not blame other person or lying. Now even I getting upset. I telling her that she always blaming me for everything that going wrong. Even she is able to look inside fridge before and see that food is expire. And how I know she not using toaster maybe she using and is lying to me? 

Maam saying no Sally this not first time you doing like this. Doing throw blame or lie or hide thing. She is then remind me when I am iron Rayan swim shirt and make hole I telling her I not doing it. I saying that I not knowing how it coming. Maam is tell me Sally no one else is do iron in this house. She say if hole is come in shirt it ok if it mistake. She say everyone is make mistake but it not good to not be honest even if you doing to protect your self.

Even I knowing that. But I not know what happen to me. When maam get upset with me I want to save myself. So I lie or hide thing. or do throw blame. But I know it not good. But I have no choice. I always am worry my maam cancel my visa. That she send me back home. But now I thinking maybe it good if I going back home.

My visa is getting over in few month. Yesterday after I fight with maam I thinking I going back home. I thinking I working so hard I so far away from my family but no one is thank me or apprecate me. I thinking I going back to Philippine and stay there. not come back for maid work. First I feeling so relief when I have this idea. Then I thinking if I not come back where we getting money from?  I hoping my brothers is getting job somewhere but they so lazy. They not go anywhere. 

I telling maam I thinking of going back. Maam telling me Sally if you go back I getting other maid. Then you not able to come back work here. She saying Sally your life here is good life. I letting you go out. Your work also less. Just no lie and blame other people then it all be ok. Maam say Sally you go for vacation when visa is expire then you can come back.

Now I confuse. I know I lucky with my maam. Even if she proud sometime she not mean. Even when she upset with me she always talk quietly. She not shout at me. or throw her shoe on me like my friend Lisa. Her maam is throw her shoe on her. Really. One day Lisa is not listen her maam and her maam is throw her shoe. Lisa is get upset and throw shoe back at her maam. I tell Lisa how you throw back at your maam? Lisa say what to do Sally? my maam must know how it feeling if someone throwing shoe on her. Now Lisa maam not throwing shoe at her any more. But Lisa say she not forget how it feeling when shoe is hit her head.

I am feeling like shoe is hit my head. My mind now so mix up. Go back when contrac over or stay here. But one thing very clear in my head. If I want to stay here it better I not do wrong blame again. No throw blame like maam say. Otherwise like I throwing blame and how Lisa and her maam throwing shoe my maam is also throwing something. She throwing me out.