Same but different

When I go home for my vacation I feel like everything is same. but also different. I try to explain. My son is become so big. He is still my son but when I look at him he not look like my baby any more. He not talk like my baby any more. It is like he is big. He is same but different. He call me mama. but he not know who mama really is. How can he know? I am so far away for him. I am most important person for him but I am nobody for him. Being with him make me happy and sad at same time. like it is raining when the sun is shining. 

Richie is also different. he is now another person. The one I knew when I was 17 year old girl is gone. How I can say this? He is too far from me now. Not just far like Dubai and Davao but just far. Gone. changed. He is same person but he is so different. When he talk to me it is like he is stranger. How I can have baby with him I dont know? It so funny feeling. I feel like I know him so well but I not know him at all.

My mother is still same. Only interest is money. Money money money. All the time she ask me Sally what you bring? Sally why you not bring this? Sally why you not bring that? She is same and her questions are not different. Why she not ask me Sally how your maam is treat you? Sally you ok? Why you so sad Sally? 

Already 2011 is over. In 5 days it will be new year. So much is happen in one year. But so little is different. How that can be? How it can feel like your whole life is change but still it is all the same? How it can be that you think you are important but you are still nobody special? How it can be that you are a stranger to someone but you still know them so well? How can it be rainy and sunny at the same time?

There is no use thinking of all thing in the past. Everything is different but nothing has changed. The only thing that has really changed is time. And me. 

job

Few days back I am hearing maam and sir talking. Sir is say to maam that there is many lay off in office. First I am not understand what he is mean by lay off. I think he saying day off. I thinking that not so bad thing why sir is feel so upset? Then I hearing him say 17 people is get sack today. now I understand. Get sack and lay off mean same thing. Bad thing. It mean lose job. fired. I am not wanting to get sack. or lay off. or fired. Sir say to maam that even he is in danger. of be lay off. That is make me worry.

I waiting for sir to go to work. Then I asking maam what sir is saying. Maam is getting little bit angry. She say Sally it not your business. Why you listen to me and sir when we are talking? It not good manners to listen like this. you do your work. You no have to worry about anything.

But I am worry. My friend Rita is lose her job this way only. Her sir is get sack from his job. He lose his job. So she lose her job. The whole family of her sir is move back to home country because they not having visa now. And Rita is try for one month to get new job but then even she have to go back home.

How maam can say it not my business? Sir is sponsor my visa. If he is in danger of getting sack then I am in danger also. I am telling Lilibeth. She say Sally I am knowing one family. They look for new house maid. I talk to them if your sir is get sack. I tell Maria. She is also tell me same thing. She say Sally I find for you new family. You not worry. You are so hard worker. There is lot of family here in Dubai who want maid like you.

I feel happy my friends are able to help me.  I tell maam that if I get lay off then my friends will help me. I say maam I hope sirs friend is also able to help him if he is lay off. Maam is get upset with me. She say Sally why you go tell all neighbours our home problem? It not your business and it not their business. She say Sally you keep your mouth quiet about this. We not know what is happen. No one is getting lay off. But I know she is worry. So how I can believe her when she is not believe it herself?

When sir is home full time he is talking on phone. Talking to so many people. About this only. Who is going. who is staying. who is next going. He talking to his friend. his father. his mother. I know because he talk very loudly. Full house is hearing. I not understand why maam not want me to talk about this when sir is talking to everybody about it.

I am not knowing what will happen with sirs job. I not knowing what happen to my job. I hope sir is not get sack. I will pray for his job. And my job.

I am back

I have not written for so many days. Because I go for vacation. To my home. When my maam is renew my contract I am not going for my vacation. Maam is tell me that I can do my vacation at christmas. when she go for her vacation. 

Then in october she say Sally we are not going for vacation at christmas this year. It so expensive we are staying in Dubai. We will do big christmas lunch. She say Sally you go your vacation little early and come back before christmas.  So you can help me with christmas lunch.

Maam tell me to go one month. But I tell her maam I only want to go 15 or 20 days because if I stay more days it more difficult when I come back. More days mean more homesick when I come back. I just want to see my family. but I not want to get use to being there with them. Because then I will not want to leave.

I explain better. Going home is so good. And it is so bad. Good because I see my family. my son. Richie. Bad because I have to leave them and come back. When you stay far away in Dubai for so many year you get use to not seeing your family. You become how you say tough? Then you go back for vacation and when you return it like you have to start again. All the homesick and memory and crying. 

I go and now I come back. I am back but my heart and my mind is still in Philippines.

sleep is cut

Few day back I am reading in paper this story that this person is getting a fine for sleeping on train. On metro train. It so funny. Everyone feel like fall asleep on a train. Why this fine? I am then reading that the fine for sleep on metro is 300. But the fine for carrying gun or knife on metro is 200. how that can be correct? How sleeping on metro is worse than carrying a gun or knife? Sometimes I not understand how they write these rule.

So many rules. I not know all these rule. Like I not know you can get fine 100 dirham for eating or chewing gum on metro. or 100 dirham fine for causing disturb. I not have money to pay these fines. I am thinking now that it good that I not go on metro too much. Maam house is very far from station. It too difficult to reach station. I have to take bus or car lift for station. Then I have to take train. Then again same thing. Bus or car lift. So it better I take only car lift when I have to go for my holiday. I get pick up from home and drop at home.

My friend Susan is lucky. Her maam is drop her to MOE and pick her up in evening. But maybe she not so much lucky. Because she always worry her maam waiting. She always having to finish quick and run to station. I remember when I am first coming to this maams house I asking maam to give me car lift and she not liking. She say Sally you go your holiday so early in morning. I am not waking up so early. I need to sleep for my beauty. I not like cutting my sleep.

See how she is? she wanting me to cut my sleep and put food in slow cooker before I go for my holiday. But she not want to cut her sleep. She not thinking that if she cut her sleep my money is save. But she not understand all that. Because she not in that situation. Because little money not so important thing for her.

When I am doing vaccum I am always so bored. Sometimes I make up story in my head. Like dream but I am awake. Not sleeping dream. Day dream. Sometime it is funny. Sometime it is sad. But it always make me think of life. I give you example.

Imagine. It is Friday. I am waking up early for slow cooker before my holiday. I am cutting vegetable. Maam is get disturb. She cut her sleep and wake up. she say she give me car lift to station. She say Sally lets go quickly we will be late. I so excite that I save little money. Instead of putting knife in dishwasher I put knife in my bag. Then maam say Sally today we will go together for holiday. Maam is get on metro with me. After few minute she say Sally you wake me up so early. you cut my sleep I feeling so sleepy. She fall asleep on metro. When the inspector is come he give her 300 dirham fine. He also give me 200 dirham fine for knife in bag.

It is just silly dream story. But it make me think. Both of us would have to pay fine. Her 300 dirham sleep fine is more than my 200 dirham knife fine. But even if her fine is more it will mean less for maam. and even if my fine is less it will mean more for me. Maam will just pay 300 dirham. no problem. For me the 200 dirham fine will be like the knife in my bag. It will hurt. It will make me bleed.

Yes it is better I not go on metro. Then I not have to worry about fine or chewing gum. I not have to worry about knife or sleep. or cutting maams sleep. 

Sea of life

This story is the 100th story on this blog. 100 stories of my life. 100 stories about my days. my boring days. Just think. Full day I do so boring things. I cook. I clean. I wash. I iron. I do laundry. and then I do it all again next day. Maybe sometimes I do something different. Like if maam is taking me to mall to see fountain or something like that. But mostly every day of my life is same. 

Before I start this blog my life was so boring. everyday. same boring day. After I start writing this blog I feel like my life is change. I see same thing. but it have different meaning. new meaning. I feel like everything in my life is now having some meaning.

I hope my life also having some meaning. to other housemaids. to all other person who think he is too small to do anything big. I want this story to tell you that you can be so very small but you can still have very big dreams.

I want to celebrate this 100th story. So I am doing something new on this blog. Because this blog make me see everything like it is new. I am writing a poem. About life. My first time to do this. I hope you like it.

Sea of Life

I am swimming

I am floating

I am drowning

The waves they come and they go

Sometimes they are high. sometimes low

I move with the water. fast or slow

Where is the boat to make me cross this sea

Who is the light that will guide me

Where can I put my anchor permanently

Every second of my life is like salt in this sea 

Small moment that change the taste of life for me

The stories of my life like water drops in this sea 

I want my mind to be deep just like the sea 

My heart to swallow you up if you let me

I want the light of the sun to shine in me 

I want to rock you in my arms when we meet

I want to pull the sand from under your feet

I want to make this life of ours complete

I know there is an end to this sea

Where the sky touch the sea. where we are free

Is it heaven or hell? it all depend on me

I know there is end to the sea of life. But I not want anything to end just now. I not want to stop my big dreams. My dreams are like castles of sand on the beach. Castles that my sea of life keeps eating up. But I always build the castle again. Because I never want to stop my dreaming.