Same but different

When I go home for my vacation I feel like everything is same. but also different. I try to explain. My son is become so big. He is still my son but when I look at him he not look like my baby any more. He not talk like my baby any more. It is like he is big. He is same but different. He call me mama. but he not know who mama really is. How can he know? I am so far away for him. I am most important person for him but I am nobody for him. Being with him make me happy and sad at same time. like it is raining when the sun is shining. 

Richie is also different. he is now another person. The one I knew when I was 17 year old girl is gone. How I can say this? He is too far from me now. Not just far like Dubai and Davao but just far. Gone. changed. He is same person but he is so different. When he talk to me it is like he is stranger. How I can have baby with him I dont know? It so funny feeling. I feel like I know him so well but I not know him at all.

My mother is still same. Only interest is money. Money money money. All the time she ask me Sally what you bring? Sally why you not bring this? Sally why you not bring that? She is same and her questions are not different. Why she not ask me Sally how your maam is treat you? Sally you ok? Why you so sad Sally? 

Already 2011 is over. In 5 days it will be new year. So much is happen in one year. But so little is different. How that can be? How it can feel like your whole life is change but still it is all the same? How it can be that you think you are important but you are still nobody special? How it can be that you are a stranger to someone but you still know them so well? How can it be rainy and sunny at the same time?

There is no use thinking of all thing in the past. Everything is different but nothing has changed. The only thing that has really changed is time. And me. 


Few days back I am hearing maam and sir talking. Sir is say to maam that there is many lay off in office. First I am not understand what he is mean by lay off. I think he saying day off. I thinking that not so bad thing why sir is feel so upset? Then I hearing him say 17 people is get sack today. now I understand. Get sack and lay off mean same thing. Bad thing. It mean lose job. fired. I am not wanting to get sack. or lay off. or fired. Sir say to maam that even he is in danger. of be lay off. That is make me worry.

I waiting for sir to go to work. Then I asking maam what sir is saying. Maam is getting little bit angry. She say Sally it not your business. Why you listen to me and sir when we are talking? It not good manners to listen like this. you do your work. You no have to worry about anything.

But I am worry. My friend Rita is lose her job this way only. Her sir is get sack from his job. He lose his job. So she lose her job. The whole family of her sir is move back to home country because they not having visa now. And Rita is try for one month to get new job but then even she have to go back home.

How maam can say it not my business? Sir is sponsor my visa. If he is in danger of getting sack then I am in danger also. I am telling Lilibeth. She say Sally I am knowing one family. They look for new house maid. I talk to them if your sir is get sack. I tell Maria. She is also tell me same thing. She say Sally I find for you new family. You not worry. You are so hard worker. There is lot of family here in Dubai who want maid like you.

I feel happy my friends are able to help me.  I tell maam that if I get lay off then my friends will help me. I say maam I hope sirs friend is also able to help him if he is lay off. Maam is get upset with me. She say Sally why you go tell all neighbours our home problem? It not your business and it not their business. She say Sally you keep your mouth quiet about this. We not know what is happen. No one is getting lay off. But I know she is worry. So how I can believe her when she is not believe it herself?

When sir is home full time he is talking on phone. Talking to so many people. About this only. Who is going. who is staying. who is next going. He talking to his friend. his father. his mother. I know because he talk very loudly. Full house is hearing. I not understand why maam not want me to talk about this when sir is talking to everybody about it.

I am not knowing what will happen with sirs job. I not knowing what happen to my job. I hope sir is not get sack. I will pray for his job. And my job.

I am back

I have not written for so many days. Because I go for vacation. To my home. When my maam is renew my contract I am not going for my vacation. Maam is tell me that I can do my vacation at christmas. when she go for her vacation. 

Then in october she say Sally we are not going for vacation at christmas this year. It so expensive we are staying in Dubai. We will do big christmas lunch. She say Sally you go your vacation little early and come back before christmas.  So you can help me with christmas lunch.

Maam tell me to go one month. But I tell her maam I only want to go 15 or 20 days because if I stay more days it more difficult when I come back. More days mean more homesick when I come back. I just want to see my family. but I not want to get use to being there with them. Because then I will not want to leave.

I explain better. Going home is so good. And it is so bad. Good because I see my family. my son. Richie. Bad because I have to leave them and come back. When you stay far away in Dubai for so many year you get use to not seeing your family. You become how you say tough? Then you go back for vacation and when you return it like you have to start again. All the homesick and memory and crying. 

I go and now I come back. I am back but my heart and my mind is still in Philippines.